The silent strain of fitting in
Your teen comes home from school and immediately collapses.
They might head straight to their room, lash out over a minor question, or seem completely emptied of energy.
To their teachers and peers, they appear fine—perhaps even high-achieving or socially compliant. But at home, the after-school collapse tells a different story.
If this sounds familiar, your teen may be engaging in a psychological survival strategy called masking.
While we all adjust our behavior slightly for different social settings, for many adolescents, masking is a constant, high-stakes performance that hides their true self to avoid judgment or fit in.
What is masking?
Masking is the process of suppressing natural responses and camouflaging traits to appear socially acceptable. Teens who are masking may put on a personality mask to navigate a world that doesn’t feel built for them.
While masking emotions is a common strategy for hiding a bad day, the term masking is typically used in the context of neurodivergence. Neurodivergent masking involves suppressing or concealing neurodivergent traits to appear neurotypical.
- Masking in autism often involves forcing eye contact (even if it’s physically uncomfortable), rehearsing scripts for small talk, and suppressing “stims” (repetitive movements that help with self-regulation).
- ADHD masking might involve over-preparing to avoid being perceived as lazy, hyper-focusing on staying still, or obsessively checking work to hide impulsivity.
The hidden cost: Why the mask is so heavy
To a parent, masking can look like improvement or good behavior. You might see your teen finally getting the hang of things socially.
However, the internal cost of this performance is immense.
- Chronic stress and burnout: Imagine having to manually control every blink, every word, and every facial expression for seven hours a day. By the time they get home, a teen’s nervous system is fried.
- Loss of identity: When a teen spends all their time pretending, they may lose touch with who they actually are. This can lead to a profound sense of isolation or anxiety.
- Delayed support: Because masked teens look fine, their underlying struggles with ADHD or autism are often missed by school staff. Masking may in part explain why we’re seeing a rise in ADHD and autism diagnoses later in adolescence; the mask eventually becomes too heavy to carry.
Indeed, research suggests that masking is significantly correlated with depression and suicidal ideation among young people, as it prevents them from feeling truly seen or accepted for who they are.
Signs your teen might be masking
- Extreme fatigue: They are “on” at school but completely “off” or explosive at home.
- Social rehearsal: You overhear them practicing conversations or worrying excessively about social rules.
- Sensory meltdowns: The sensory overload of lights, sounds, or textures only catches up with them when they are in safe spaces (like home), leading to an emotional or physical collapse.
- Inconsistency: They can perform a task perfectly in public but seem unable to do the same task when tired or stressed at home.
The journey toward unmasking
The goal isn’t to force your teen to stop masking. Masking is likely a tool they’ve developed to feel safe.
Instead, create a home environment where unmasking is safe, encouraged, and celebrated.
- Question typical expectations: Does eye contact really matter during a serious talk? If they need to pace or fidget to think, let them.
- Validate the exhaustion: Instead of asking, “Why are you so grumpy?”, try, “It looks like it took a lot of energy to get through the day. I’m glad you’re home where you can just be you.”
- Provide “low-mask” spaces: Occupy the same room but don’t require them to make eye contact or hold a conversation (see below for details).
Creating safe zones: Low-mask activities for the weekend
If your teen has spent all week wearing a personality mask, their nervous system is likely in a state of sensory debt.
The weekend shouldn’t be another series of high-pressure social performances.
Instead, help your child recharge by engaging in low-mask activities that have no prescribed social scripts and no expectations for “typical” behavior.
- Parallel play/co-working: Sit in the same room with your teen as you engage in separate activities. This provides the comfort of connection without the demand of masking emotions or maintaining a conversation.
- Sensory-first outings: Choose activities where social interaction isn’t the primary goal. A quiet hike, a trip to a library, or a visit to a botanical garden allows them to be in the world without the pressure of being “on.”
- Choose your own adventure dinners: Social meals can be exhausting for neurodivergent teens. Try a night where everyone picks their own food and eats in their preferred space—even if that means they eat on the floor or in their room.
- Interest-led deep dives: If your teen has a special interest (a common way for neurodivergent teens to self-regulate), give them uninterrupted time to talk about it or work on it. Validating their passions is a powerful way to encourage unmasking.
How Avery’s House can help
If your teen is suffering from the chronic burnout associated with masking, they need more than social skills. They need a space where their neurodivergence is understood as a difference, not a deficit.
At Avery’s House, we believe that no teen should have to hide who they are to feel worthy of care.
Our compassionate therapists understand neurodivergence and effectively treat the anxiety and depression that can result from years of performing.
We help families understand the why behind their teens’ behavior and help teens build self-compassion and find a balance between navigating the world and staying true to themselves.
Our specialized care will help your teen forge a life that feels as good on the inside as it looks on the outside.Contact Avery’s House today to help your teen find the relief they deserve.
