How to Talk to Your Teenager About Anything

Speak directly and respectfully

Teens are more likely to listen when they feel respected. Speaking directly and maturely shows you take them seriously and value what they say.

Learning how to talk in a way that respects their growing independence can help keep conversations smoother.

To keep the conversation grounded in mutual respect:

• Use their name when speaking: This makes the exchange feel personal and helps grab their attention.
• Make eye contact: Looking at them while talking shows you’re present and engaged.
• Avoid talking down to them: Use a calm, even tone that treats them as capable and thoughtful.
• Keep your words clear and simple: Avoid jargon or long-winded explanations.
• Ask for their opinion: Show that you’re genuinely interested in how they think.
• Acknowledge their viewpoint: Let them know you hear and respect their side, even when you disagree.

Listen actively and without judgment

Active listening shows respect and builds trust. Teens are more willing to open up when they know they won’t be criticized or shut down. To become a better listener:

• Let them finish their thoughts: Don’t interrupt or jump in with your conclusions.
• Use non-verbal cues: Nodding and maintaining eye contact show you’re tuned in.
• Respond with minimal encouragers: Say things like “uh-huh” or “I see” to keep the conversation moving.
• Reflect on what you hear: Summarize their words to show understanding and check accuracy.
• Avoid distractions: Give them your full attention.

Ask better questions

The type of questions you ask shapes the kind of responses you get. Open-ended, thoughtful questions invite deeper conversations. To give your teen more room to talk:

• Favor “what” and “how” questions: These invite facts and feelings without putting them on the spot.
• Avoid “why” questions: These can feel accusatory and lead to defensiveness.
• Ask for examples: Prompt them to explain real-life situations.
• Let them guide the focus: Let them talk about what matters to them, not just what concerns you.

Try asking questions like:

• “What’s something at school that’s been on your mind lately?”
• “How did you come to that decision?”
• “Can you tell me more about that situation?”
• “Is there another way to look at this?”

Try asking:

• “What do you hope will happen if you choose that path?”
• “How do you think that might play out long term?”
• “Is there anything you haven’t considered yet?”

Watch for defensiveness

Adolescents are quick to protect themselves when they feel attacked.

Being mindful of how you approach tough topics helps keep the conversation grounded. To reduce defensiveness:

• Use “we” language: Say, “When we have a problem…” to show shared responsibility.
• Pick your timing carefully: Don’t bring up serious topics when they’re upset or distracted.
• Avoid labels or accusations: Focus on behavior, not character.
• Offer a neutral third party: A mental health professional can help get the conversation moving.

Focus on impact, not punishment

Teenagers learn more when they reflect on how their actions affect others.

Focusing only on consequences can stop them from talking altogether. To support growth:

• Stay calm and clear: Don’t let emotions take over.
• Ask questions instead of giving lectures: Help them understand outcomes and responsibility.
• Talk about outcomes: Help them think about the ripple effect of their actions.
• Encourage accountability without shame: Let them own what happened and move forward.

Speaking without showing respect or clarity

Teens want to be heard and taken seriously. It doesn’t help when parents:

• Talk around the issue: Avoiding the point confuses things.
• Use condescending language: Speaking like they’re still little kids comes off as disrespectful.
• Avoid being direct: Dodging the truth makes teens tune out.

During the teen years, unclear or overly harsh language can lead to unnecessary power struggles.

Asking questions that frustrate or confuse

The way parents ask questions can either open a door or close it. Common slip-ups include:

• Ask too many questions at once: This feels more like an interrogation than a talk.
• Disguise opinions as questions: Teens can tell when you’re pushing a point.
• Use accusatory language: Starting with “why” often makes teens feel attacked.

Instead of sounding confrontational or overwhelming them with many questions, try asking simple, open-ended questions to create an opportunity to talk.