It’s not what you think: Understanding self-harm
You may have discovered their behavior by accident. You caught a glimpse of fresh cuts or old self-harm scars or found a concerning item in their room.
Your heart plummeted.
In that instant, a tidal wave of fear, shock, and maybe anger crashed over you. Your mind raced with terrifying questions. You may have even panicked.
If you have just discovered your teen is engaging in self-harm, take a deep breath. Your feelings are valid, but your response in these first few hours is absolutely critical.
This is not a time for blame or punishment. This is a time for safety, calm, and connection.
This guide will walk you through the immediate steps to take.
First, understand what you’re seeing: What is NSSI?
Before you can respond effectively, it’s crucial to understand what you are likely dealing with.
The clinical term for self-harm behavior is nonsuicidal self-injury or NSSI. The meaning of NSSI is right in its name: the person injures themselves but without the intent to die.
NSSI is most common among adolescents and young adults, with onset typically occurring around age 13 or 14.
While any self-injury is dangerous and a sign of immense distress, NSSI is different from a suicide attempt.
For the vast majority of teens, self-harm—whether cutting, burning, or another form of injury—is a desperate and unhealthy coping mechanism. It’s a way to deal with emotional pain that feels unbearable.
So, why do teenagers cut themselves?
According to the Child Mind Institute, teens often report that the physical pain provides temporary distraction from their emotional turmoil or that hurting themselves allows them to “feel something” when they otherwise feel numb and empty. In this way, NSSI is a symptom of a much deeper problem.
Your first response plan: The next three steps
Your teen is in crisis, and they need a calm, steady anchor. You must be their safe harbor, not another storm.
Step 1: Manage your own reaction (before you say a word)
Your instinct might be to yell, cry, or demand answers. But this will only increase your teen’s shame and drive them further away. Before you approach them, you must regulate your own emotions.
- Repeat a mantra: Silently repeat “This is a coping skill, not a suicide attempt. My child is in pain. My job is to help them feel calm and safe.”
- Step away: Go to another room for a few minutes.
- Breathe: Take several slow, deep breaths. Feel your feet on the floor.
Step 2: Gently secure their safety
Your primary and immediate responsibility is to ensure your child is physically safe.
- Assess the injury: Without panic, ask to see any wounds. If they’re deep, bleeding heavily, or look infected, your teen requires immediate medical attention. Say calmly, “I can see you’re hurt, and I need to make sure you’re okay. We must go to urgent care or the ER to get this properly looked after.”
- Remove the means: Once any needed medical care is handled, you will need to remove the items used for self-harm from their room and bathroom. This is not a punishment but a safety measure.
Step 3: Start a supportive conversation
This step is not about getting a confession or making your teen promise to stop. It’s about opening a door for connection.
- Lead with “I” statements and concern: Express your love and worry. “I am so worried about you because I love you so much. I can see you’re in a lot of pain, and I want to help.”
- Listen without judgment: Your only goal is to listen. Do not interrupt, lecture, or threaten. Let them talk, even if what they say is hard to hear.
- Validate their pain: The most powerful thing you can do is validate your child’s feelings. “It sounds like you have been feeling completely overwhelmed,” or “It must be so exhausting to carry all that pain around.”
Understanding the road ahead: Healing and the risk of relapse
Healing from the underlying issues that cause self-harm is a long-term process.
It’s important to understand that a self-harm relapse is not a failure; it’s just a sign that your teen is still struggling to use new, healthier coping skills. The appearance of new self-harm scars should be met with the same calm, supportive response as the first time.
This journey often requires professional help. Self-injury is almost always a symptom of a serious underlying mental health condition that needs to be treated.
The intense emotional pain that leads to self-harm is often rooted in conditions like severe depression or as a response to deep emotional wounds from trauma.
At Avery’s House, we specialize in treating these core issues. Our compassionate therapists work with teens to replace self-injury with healthy coping strategies, helping them find better ways to manage their pain.
You have taken the first step by reading this guide. And now you can move forward to help your child.
Contact Avery’s House today. You don’t have to navigate this alone. We’re here to support your teen and your entire family through the process of healing.
